My resolutions....

Well after much pondering I present to you my New Year resolutions. Understand that these are set in stone. Understand that I will most positively, definitely stick to, no matter what – even if it upsets the balance of the universe. A tad dramatic, yes, but that’s how very serious I am about stuff.

1. I will try to be much less serious about stuff, relax more with regards insignificant details, beginning January 3rd at 07:35:24am GMT exactly.

2. I will try to be less rude and hostile to my bank manager – I will answer his persistent phone calls and desist in crossing the street when I see him. I may even invite him for Christmas dinner next year and introduce him to one of my single cousins. A bank manager in the family would be very handy for getting credit which I can ill afford to pay back.

3. I will try to be more rude and hostile to the alternative religious freaks/catalogue salespeople/telephone providers who call to my door three times a week at the crazy teatime hour trying relentlessly to convert me to their random religion/fashion boutiques/telephone services. Instead of listening I shall perfect my mental powers of persuasion, or the Vulcan death grip, to convert them all to the Jedi faith.

4. I shall attempt to improve my concentration, ahmm what was I saying there? And keep my mind on one thing….oh look a bar of chocolate.. at any one time.

5. I will no longer waste my time relieving the past; instead I will spend it worrying fiercely about the future.

6. Invent something, like time travel or a space-age device that sucks up crumbs and small household debris into a magic bag that can be emptied straight into the bin. I have been talking about this for years and eventually someone is going to get there before me. What? Who’s Hoover when they’re at home?
7. Give more strangers advice about how to raise their children. While I have never claimed to be an expert in raising children, I do have some pretty strong opinions on the subject developed over years of doing things exactly right and without flaw. I shall also try to be open to others' ideas on parenting, misguided and completely deranged though they may be.
9 Learn and use my children's names properly without prefixing them with ‘Jesus Christ!’, ‘God Almighty’ or ‘PUT THAT KNIFE DOWN!’
10. Promise to never to make another ridiculous and impossible-to-stick-to resolution list again.
Wishing each and every one of you a peaceful and prosperous New Year. Here’s hoping all your dreams come true, even the one about losing 10lbs in January.
Love and warmest wishes from the O’Neills.