My baby girl is a year old now and I need to make some efforts to return to full time employment. This will involve me getting some poor unfortunate to care for four rowdy kids and one deranged dog. With all family members flat out with work I may be forced to pay an individual to replace me during the working day, ie look on as my children break stuff, attempt to kill one another and destroy my house and sanity.
I put an advert in our local paper. I am expecting a positive deluge of eager applicants and have put Royal Mail on full alert in case they need to buy their postmen fabric extensions for their postbags.
Wanted: Neurotic Mary Poppins-style Health and Safety obsessed individual for childminding and/or industrial cleaning responsibilities. Must have degree-level qualification in worrying with particular interest in the subjects of terror and asthma attacks, economic uncertainty and terribly frightening and unpronounceable health complaints. Ninja skills, cage fighting referee experience and extreme survival skills preferable but not essential. Full training and hands-on experience will be given on site.
Main duties: Worrying about children from 9am to 9pm, Monday to Friday, some weekend and evening worrying assistance may also be needed. Applicant must be flexible.
Applicant must be youthful, full of energy and willing to sacrifice sitting down or having a nice cup of tea for a nine, possibly 12 hours at a time.
We are essentially looking for a kind, warm individual with a good sense of humour (you will need it, trust me) who is willing to muck in, muck out, tidy up and not freak out. Mountaineering and/or sheer face cliff climbing experience may also be beneficial when tackling the weekly ironing pile.
Advanced and defensive driving skills course will be offered to the successful applicant to ensure the picking up of three children from three different locations at exactly the same time is handled correctly.
The successful applicant must enjoy cooking and have a healthy interest in trying new recipes that do not have baked beans as their core ingredient. Family would love to try exotic new dishes, for example macaroni cheese or chicken nuggets.
The successful applicant may be expected to travel on holiday during the summer with the family – to the bright lights of Donegal – and not have an aversion to spending a wet week in a cramped caravan with four crazed caravan-hating children, two rather grumpy, deranged parents and a dog who despises the sound of the countryside.
Our home in Derry is of adequate size. If the successful applicant wishes to live with us there is accommodation available in our family's beautiful home. There is a nice space out in the garage, in between the dog and right next to the washing machine for convenience – you can continue the endless washing cycle throughout the night for handiness, might take the pressure off your extensive daytime chores. The job is to start in September.
Pay rates are atrocious and there is zero likelihood of any type of benefits, apart from having a really good laugh.
Please send CV, references and most up-to-date criminal record to the usual address.
Thanks!
The O’Neills
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