Bad Santa

I’ll probably go to Hell for this but I have to come clean and admit my very real dislike of shopping mall Santas. They have no air of mystery, no magic – they just take parent’s money, give the kid’s a cheap present and spit them out onto the street again.
I was thinking along these lines as I waited for the husband beside Santa’s grotto in a shopping centre last week. The queue, some 40-people deep, was made up mostly of stressed, grumpy parents who couldn’t believe the price of a visit and kids who didn’t really believe the dude was the real Santa.
“Is Santa from Creggan mammy? I thought he was from the North Pole. Do they speak in Derry accents over about the North Pole?”
As I stood there I got all cynical thinking this Christmas lark can get a bit fake if you let it. From the rubbish shopping mall Santas to the notion that one must spend a fortune to have the truly picture perfect festive season – all woolly jumpers, warm fires and smiley faces.
Perhaps it’s because I’m older and jaded by the ever-lengthening holiday season, the Christmas music beginning on Halloween, the in-store decorations getting dusty even before November’s out, all presided over by the retail juggernaut. Is it wrong to want the real magic of Christmas, the one that doesn’t cost anything?
And I wondered if the real Santa, as in the real one who doesn’t charge you £12.50 for a three second conversation, ever gets a bit cheesed off with the whole shenanigans. I wondered if he has ever been tempted to fire off a few cheeky replies to those millions of Santa letters he gets.

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Aoife

Dear Aoife,
I am severely lactose intolerant. Milk gives me debilitating cramps and the reindeers really hate carrots, as in like totally HATE them. Whoever started this milk, cookie and carrot rumour needs a good slap. You wanna make me happy? Forget the milk; leave me a tall glass of red wine, one of Dad’s big cigars and some Toblerone for the reindeers.
Thanks!
Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
You are really that gullible, kid? Good luck in whatever you do in life, I'm skipping your house.
Best
Santa

Dear Santa,
I really, really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE, could I have one?
Danny

Hey Danny,
That whiny begging stuff may work OK with your folks, but it doesn't fly up here, right? You're getting a stupid Christmas tree jumper and Simpson’s socks...again.
Santa

I think I need a large dose of Christmas spirit or indeed a miracle. Perhaps if Santa left me a new Apple MacBook Pro (with all the apps, in silver please) I might be slightly less cynical next year….