Send help. And chocolate....

I don’t know how much more I can take. We have been stranded for more than a week now. The six of us together. In the same house. I’m hoping that the following information will go someway to allowing the proper authorities to piece together the circumstances running up to the assaults, criminal damage and various other crimes that happened in the week from hell.
If by some miracle this message reaches you, please send help. And chocolate.

Day one, Saturday
Mood – Christmassy
Housebound for the day due to failure of car that never starts to start.
Snowflakes falling gently outside, fire roaring in the hearth. Children’s laughter rings out throughout the house. The smell of sweet cinnamon cookies hangs in the air. The baby coos in her pram. The husband tinkers lightly under the bonnet of the family car, whistling a Christmas tune. All is right with the world.

Day Two, Sunday
Mood – concerned
Snow fall significant. Children laugh and fashion various snow-related characters in the garden before walloping their heads off with spades. Have to fashion an imaginative dinner from what supplies are left in the fridge. Children demand new, warm, clean clothes at 15-minute intervals due to snowy conditions. Car that never starts still wont start. Husband floats between broken car and Google, hoping that random people on the internet might send good vibes and advice on how to fix it.

Day Three, Monday
Mood – Increasingly worried
Children ready for school and packed into the car that never starts, which doesn’t start. Husband risks combustion by asking passing bin lorry for a jump-start. Trek to school in Arctic conditions, wearing boots that can unbelievably hold several inches of snow inside. Husband decides a week working from home is only option as five years worth of snow falls outside our windows. Mechanic doesn’t come. Husband tries beating his fist on the bonnet of car and waving other fist to the heavens as a method of starting car. Doesn’t work.

Day Four, Tuesday
Mood – Deranged
Children off school due to the 10-foot of snow and deadly daggers of ice hanging from every surface. Car that never starts sits on the driveway like a giant ice cube laughing at us as we huddle in the house, with dangerously depleted coffee supplies and bereft of proper sustenance. Husband walks to the shop three miles away, leaving us with the words ‘I’m going for a walk, I may be some time’. He arrives back some time later with news that the shop has sold out of most things except beans, of which he has purchased 14 tins. Struggle to plan bean-related breakfast, lunches and dinners for the next few days or weeks. Spot four horsemen of the Apocalypse outside our window, pointing and laughing at our frozen car.

Day Five, Wednesday
Mood – Beyond crazy
Mechanic promises, for the third day in a row, to visit and fix our stricken vehicle. Mechanic has weather related problems and doesn’t turn up again. Youngest boy falls ill with bokey, screaming, and insomniac bug. May be cabin fever, may be over-consumption of baked beans.

Day Six, Thursday
Mood – End of proverbial tether
Two more children fall victim to the horrible bokey bug. House now filled with whingey, screaming children and crazy-haired, deranged parents. Still snowing outside with some freezing fog thrown in for good measure. Am awaiting the arrival of locusts to top off the apocalyptic atmosphere.

Day Seven, Friday
Mood – Oh Dear God, NO!!!
TV broken.
Loose wire at the rear means TV flickers on, teasing us with a brief glimpse at our favourite programmes before going blank. Toddler beside himself with Thomas the Tank Engine withdrawal symptoms. We are forced to listen to the radio for news of the outside world. Older children punch each other and destroy furniture for entertainment. It’s still snowing. We are still consuming baked bean-based meals.

Day Eight, Saturday
Mood – Fair to middling
Mechanic made an appearance six days late and fixed the car. Husband used scientific method to fix TV (hit screen with propelled shoe in fit of frustration). Celebrated by skidding sideways in fabulously fixed car to Sainsbury’s to purchase essential supplies – chocolate and coffee.