Pramnesia, Calpoholics and Baby Doomers....

Apparently there is an entirely new language around to describe the highs and lows of modern parenting.
A recent poll has suggested that all us Yummy Mummies are last year’s news. This year it’s all Dummy Mummies and new mothers suffering from Pramnesia, kiddie Calpoholics and Baby Doomers.
As if we don’t have enough to be getting along with – I don’t know about you but the actual act of parenting takes up my every waking moment – we now have to practically do a night class on what the cool mums and dads are saying.
But I’m willing to put in the hours for the sake of my street (and mum’s) cred.
I don’t want to be left on the side of the road while the bus to Cool Parentsville thunders past so I conducted extensive research on the subject.
For those of you not yet savvy with the Parentionary terms of reference, here’s the glossary, with a few of my own inventions peppered in for good measure.

Calpoholics
Children who display early predisposition to mood-altering, pain and fever reducing medications.

TV McFee
The electronic babysitter, otherwise known as the television set, which provides hours of entertainment for little ones and hours of Facebooking peace for mummies.

Baby Doomers
Couples who warn other young couples not to have a baby due to the huge cost/stress/worry/boke involved in bringing up baby.

Nappie Cash
The ever-ready money parents need to spend on disposable nappies.

Flabbergasted
The name given to your sense of shock at how much weight you have gained during pregnancy.

Dummy Mummy
Paralysis of the section of the mind which deals with intellect and interest in current affairs. This unfortunate condition, which affects one in 10 mothers, renders a woman utterly incapable of conversing on any subject apart from her children.

Dadmin Department
Father of children heads up this particular department, carrying out such duties as fixing broken prams and depositing stinking nappies in the wheelie bin.

Baby Gaga
Total diva in waiting. Screaming, stomping, attention-seeking little girl.

Balderdash
A rapidly receding hairline that weary fathers often sport.

Blamestorming
When parents blame each other for their child-related failures – it’s his fault he has a mouth on him like a sailor, it’s her fault he likes Cliff Richard etc etc.

Pramnesia
The sleep-deprived forgetfulness caused by endless nights of little to no shuteye. It is this condition that also enables a female who has gone through labour to ever consider having another child.

Swiped Out
When a banklink card is rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use buying child-related paraphernalia.

Hindsight
What one might experience from changing too many nappies.

Puddlemagnetism
When small bodies of water draw other small bodies wearing dry shoes and socks into it.

Floordrobe
Place where coats, schoolbags and discarded clothes are kept.

SITCOMs
What people who might have once been described as yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the children. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Comprom-lie-sing
The art of dividing a cake/bar of chocolate/last biscuit in the house in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece

Nansformer/Nannanator
Granny who turns into a super-efficient domestic helper when baby arrives. Nansformers often possess superhuman dish-washing powers and the incredible ability to make lovely cups of tea.

Emergency numbers
Police station, ambulance, fire brigade and pizza delivery services.

Disneyfying
Making things like household chores sound cooler than they actually are. “Guess where we’re off to today? Yes that’s right! Tescoland!! We’re going on the trolley ride.. Yeah!”

Perhaps the phrase that will ring true with most parents…

Code Brown.
It needs little explanation.