School daze...

The youngest of my boys is due to start playschool in September and as such has to learn to abide by a few of their rules – the most prevalent of those things is not to pee anywhere except a ceramic receptacle in the boys bathrooms.
Problem is he has absolutely no interest in parting ways with his Pampers.
It’s fair to say we’ve been down this road a few times at this stage and know, more or less, what to expect with the potty training experience. There have been certain boys in our house, who shall remain nameless to spare their blushes, who utilised plant pots in doctor’s surgeries, antique rugs, and wooden floors as a tactic to avoid using the actual toilet. One child blew up a fancy freestanding lamp ¬– and in turn fused the lights in the entire house – in the living room by mistaking it for a urinal. An easy enough error to make.
These are the dangers we must now face with our youngest son. But as parents we are fully prepared – mop bucket and bleach in hand – for the challenge. We have to tackle the problem now otherwise the boy will be showing up for his first lecture at university with a thick wad of sodden padding poking out over the top of his futuristic jeans.
But there are other ways we must prepare him for his entrance into the world of academia. He may be two and a half but he needs to know the ways of the world, the rules of the jungle.
I decided to research what areas we need to cover over the summer to get him organised for the school start in September. And as there are no set rules supplied by my boy’s nursery school, I had to look to a few schools in the US for guidance on how my child should behave. I mean, how much different can Derry be to, say, Detroit?
So according to these rules he must not wear chains on his trousers. This is a decidedly awkward one as the boy is already showing signs of worshipping Goth fashion. Just the other day he asked me if I thought his Cult t-shirt went better with his thick black eyeliner and backcombed curly hair look. He is also not allowed to wear spiked jewellery. Bummer.
He must not have creases on his trousers. As in deliberate creases, not the messy ones you get when you don’t iron your threads. This is gang-related thing. He is also forbidden to wear all red, all blue or a plain white t-shirt, lest the little man might be mistaken for a gangbanger. He must also refrain from wearing a comb permanently in his hair.
The child must refrain from other obvious wearing gang-apparel such as sleeveless denim jackets, or any other clothing, such as jumpsuits or long overcoats, which could conceal weapons. He is also not permitted to carry large bags.
All crayons, markers and non-prescription drugs are off the menu, only food must be consumed on school grounds.
He is also not allowed to chew chewing gum, which is unfortunately his most favourite past time, alongside drinking beer which is also frowned upon, by the way. There is also a no smoking, no knives and no firearms policy at most schools.
He is also not allowed to drive a scooter in the corridors of learning or use a bench as a mode of transport to descend stairs. I say whoever invented those particular rules are health and safety nerds and need to get out of their dusty classrooms more. Where I ask, is the fun in that?
So I think we’re clear enough on the ins and outs of school rules. We have the summer to get him off the beer, drugs, firearms and gang apparel. First to get the boy out of Pampers.