Parenting-related injuries

I’ve just spent the last three weeks hobbling around like a pensioner after a Caolan-induced back injury.
The child – who, by the by, when last weighed was about two and a half stone – launched himself off the kitchen counter a la Jim Morrison circa 1969 in an incredible feat of stage diving. Unfortunately the alternative to me catching him was him crashing headfirst onto a tiled floor. So a safely caught child, a slipped disc and a torturous trip to a chiropractor later I’m still here, but still wincing slightly, to tell the tale.
It made me think of all the other offspring-related injuries the husband and myself have had to endure on this rocky, Lego-covered road of parenting.

Kiddy-size Glasgow Kiss
Black eyes, facial bruises, busted lips, bloodied noses – kids from three months to three years will inflict this type of pain on their parents with their crazy floppy heads.

Stray Thrown Object Abrasion
Small children love to throw stuff, usually at their parents. Larger remote controls are favourites among the smaller generation, due to their ability to render the recipient of the blow almost unconscious, although good results have also been reported by children dropping large cars or toy laptops from great heights unto heads.

Toddler induced blindness
Beware of toddlers who like to poke fingers in eyes. Particularly dangerous are the toddlers who dupe parents into believing their only want to honk their nose (attempt to forcibly remove parent’s nose from face whilst making honking noise) but instead go in for the kill and jab sticky fingers in eye.

Plastic toy foot syndrome
Children strongly believe that sleep deprivation, poking fingers in eyes and lobbing large objects is not torture enough. Offspring often place small plastic toys at strategic places around the home, particularly stairs, particularly at night, to bring on the common complaint of stray-Lego foot syndrome. Stepping on said objects in bare feet and the consequent hopping around, often whilst using choice language, can often bring about….

Offspring-induced back pain
All parents suffer from this affliction at some stage. Unlike other ailments, which come and go with the various stages of childhood, back pain can be constant and inflicted by children from newborn age (wrestling with the baby car seat) – to five year olds (stage diving off kitchen counters).

Infant-induced insanity
Affects all parents. Three hours sleep across the course of three days will leave even the sound of mind rather deranged. First time parents are affected more than others. Obsessing about baby’s eating/sleeping/toilet habits etc will ultimately kill your brain cells. Once a parent, human beings are incapable of thinking logically and rationally ever again.

Child-induced premature ageing
Go look in the mirror. See what I mean?