Resolutions...

After careful consideration I have put together a long list of resolutions for 2011 to help me to go above and beyond, if it’s humanly possible, my already stellar levels of greatness.
In previous years I would have made a list, stick to those vows religiously for two days then crack under the pressure, eventually binging on all those things I promised the good Lord I would forsake – like chocolate, beer and bad language – thus setting the tone for the rest of the year.
So this year I am forgetting the lies and empty promises of self reform that I usually make and instead going for resolutions that I can actually keep.

I will take up a hobby, perhaps drinking whiskey?

I will never allow another piece of chocolate to pass my lips. I will instead have the NHS insert a drip directly into my bloodstream.

I will no longer waste my time relieving the past; instead I will spend it worrying fiercely and at great length about the future.

This year I vow to NOT join a gym, NOT pay a year’s membership fees and NOT attend a mere two and a half times. That method of weight loss hasn’t worked for me in the past, it’s not going to start working now.

I shall start being superstitious and become more neurotic about my children, my career and my life in general.

I will procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

I will attempt to give more strangers more advice on various topics on which I am an expert – eating chocolate, vacuuming, having loads of kids, crashing cars – in a smug and condescending way. I shall also try to be open to others' ideas on a variety of things, misguided and completely deranged though they may be.

I will stop worrying about getting fat and eat 50 per cent more cake. In fact I vow to gain approximately 12lbs.

I shall make a concrete effort to improve my concentration. Perhaps taking a advanced concentration course or.. oh.. maybe a flower arranging one? And I’ll make a big effort to keep my mind focused on one thing….oh look a bar of chocolate.. at any one time.

I will attempt to be at least 40 per cent more patient and tolerant of other people’s really bratty, annoying children. I shall not visualise shooting general household waste like compact dust bullets from an industrial strength vacuum at 30mph at small individuals who pick on my offspring.

I vow to spread out priorities way beyond my ability to keep track of them.

I vow to stop being so serious and pedantic about stuff, starting at precisely 8.03am on the morning of January 4th 2011.

I shall concentrate this year on perfecting my mental powers of persuasion and also the Vulcan death grip to get my way on everything from loan application approvals to getting someone else to carry out my housekeeping duties.

I shall aim for 15 hours of sleep per night, every night regardless of family or work responsibilities. And I’m going to be consistent about that.

And finally I vow to live well, love much and laugh often this year.
Now those are resolutions I can stand by.
Wishing each and every one of you a peaceful and prosperous 2011. Here’s hoping all your dreams come true.
Love and warmest wishes from the O’Neill clan.