The schoolgate wars...

A parenting website last week revealed the categories school gate mums fall into – from the uber glam model mothers like Elle Macpherson through to the bionic PTA mums who make the rest of us look bad.
Also featured were the lycra-clad, gym obsessed mum, Blackberry clamped corporate mum – either always running late or absent from the afternoon pick-up – and effortlessly glam mum a-la Gwyneth Paltrow.
As if we don’t have enough to worry on, it seems the lot of us have been pigeon-holed into several unforgiving categories including Eternally Late Mum, Mum of Disruptive Child, Competitive Mum, Fashionista Mum and Smugly Pregnant Mum.
Judging your fellow mother and marking her on her shoes, bag, coat and hair at the school gates is the new sport gripping modern parenting and apparently none of us are off limits. Turn up at the school gates looking less than photoshoot ready and you’ll be in for dog’s abuse.
Now I don’t know where the folks behind these various surveys are sending their kids to school – presumably to the same ones as Elle Macpherson and Stella McCartney’s offspring attend – but there ain’t no Elles, Stellas, Gwynnies or Claudia’s at any schools gates I’ve frequented recently and I’ve been at a few different school gates recently, let me tell you.
I dare say that should the people who compile this information take a quick jump over the water from the dizzy heights of middle England they might just discover an entirely new species of ‘ Norn Irish mas’ to pigeon hole.

‘Come as you are’ Ma
Turns up to school in full night attire, fluffy slippers and all. Prefers pyjamas of the pink flannelette variety rather than night dresses as the latter incurs a need to remove leg hair so as not to be ‘affronted’ at the school gates. Hair on head hasn’t seen the second sight of a brush since last Saturday night. Said hair is held in place – a rough off-centred ponytail – by grubby pink ‘scrunchie’. Kids walk 10ft either in front or behind so as to not be associated with ‘come as you are’ ma. Can also be spotted heading for the city centre to round off her pyjama wearing adventure touring various pound shops and budget clothing outlets.

The ‘hard ticket’ ma
Regales everyone with tales of her weekend escapades – involving cider, street brawls and screaming episodes with neighbours – in a loud and brash voice. Wears a t-shirt with an awfully bad word blazoned across it (rhymes with a witch, starts with a b). Shouts at her kids, shouts at their teachers, shouts at other parents, dogs in the street, flowers just minding their own business on the grass. Bullies dinner and lollipop ladies in the playground on her way home.

The ‘working’ ma
Is often found dragging half-dressed children along the path to school seconds before the bell. Is permanently in a rushed and panicked state. The art of finishing getting herself dressed is a well-honed skill to this particular ma. She can ruffle child’s hair while buckling the strap of her shoe, kiss farewell at the school gates while brushing her teeth, sort out lunch money while expertly applying her make-up. Seemingly has four sets of hands. Is rarely seen in the afternoon picking up session.

Organic ma
Has bright red or green hair and large wooden jewellery pieces that could literally render a passing parent blind. Smells of patchouli oil and often rides to school on an old-fashioned pushbike with daffodils in the front basket, regardless of the season. They may be fake.
Doesn’t believe in controlled religion or anti-perspirent.

The Smoke Talk Smoke Talk ma
Stands at the school gates in a large Smoking Talking tribe made up of other pram and cigarette-wielding mas until well after school break time. Topics discussed – the ‘state’ of Organic Ma, the ‘shape’ of ‘Come As You Are Ma’ and the ‘nerve’ of Working Ma.

Me? I don’t know where I fit in. I’d like to think I’m a mix of the best qualities from all of them.