Super bored

The school holidays are only half over, we’ve already been on holiday and now the kids are super bored.
Daniel’s grown a big bushy beard and Caolan has hollowed out a coconut and believes he’s his new best friend. Well, maybe that’s actually not exactly true but the two of them are acting like castaways, sitting cross-legged on the landing floor complaining about the weather, total lack of sugar and leisure facilities.
They’ve even taken to writing a diary……

Day 28 of the school holidays
Mood: Dire
Our captors continue to taunt us with promises of visits to the park only to withdraw them because of the stupid apocalyptic weather conditions. They force us to eat sensible cereal for breakfast, fruit and vegetables. The only thing that keeps us going is the hope of escape, and the vague satisfaction we get from ruining the odd piece of furniture or freshly painted wall. Tomorrow we may eat another houseplant or put more lipstick on the dog.


Day 29 of the school holidays
Mood: Giddy
Today our attempts to kill our captors by leaving Power Ranger figures on the stairs almost succeeded, will try again tomorrow. In an attempt to repulse our vile oppressors we once again filled the bathroom sink with muck, water, toilet roll and red sauce, will attempt to transport this mixture to their favourite chair or their bed.

Day 30 of the school holidays
Mood: Mildly content
Annoyed our captors with synchronised sleep depriving, incessant pleas for obscure things at ungodly hours of the night, slept in the next day. Slept soundly in the knowledge those vile people had to get up and go to work despite scant sleep.


Day 31 of the school holidays
Mood: Fierce
Dug up a small tree from the garden and dragged it around the house throwing muck everywhere. This gesture was an attempt to make them aware of what we are capable of and to strike fear into their hearts. Think we are getting through to the female captor who said on more than one occasion that she thought she was going to go ‘insane’ and that she was ‘so over these school holidays’. Our devious plan is working.


Day 32 of the school holidays
Mood: Dire
There was some sort of gathering of their evil accomplices, we were asked to ‘behave’. We must learn what the opposite of behave is and use it to our advantage. Spent the evening spitting chewed crisps into glasses and taking one bite out of sandwiches and leaving them back on the plate.

There’s only 42 days left of the summer holidays. It has to stop raining sometime soon. In the meantime I’m writing a letter to the education minister pitching the idea of parent-friendly summers. I am proposing that teachers hold classes in their own homes all day every day – even at weekends – during the summer months. Why should it be only us who have to put up with our kids during summer?