Training camp for mas and das

So teenagers these days are to be able to take a GCSE in parenting, to train them on what it’s really like to have a baby. Now I’m all for GCSEs in babies, but why can’t the rest of us have them too? God knows some of us are completely clueless about parenting.
Despite my bleary eyes I can see a niche in the market and I’m going to go right in there and build a training camp for parents.
It’ll have to be somewhere in the countryside (so no one can hear you scream), and have room enough to house several large torture chambers. For that is what parenting is mostly about, torture with a few laughs thrown in.
Please find below my business plan that I’ll present to Invest Northern Ireland come Monday.

Project Name:
Training Camp for Mas and Das

Project synopsis:
In my torture camp, I mean parent training facility, we’ll initially keep the parents awake for five days and nights, throwing cold water in their faces at frequent intervals. We will employ several staff to scream demands for biscuits, to sing songs they’ve never heard of and for warm bottles of milk throughout the day and night. At night time parents will also be furnished with a large and heavy sack of potatoes and forced to walk round and round the facility till Dawn, when they must start the whole process again.
Those still with us after the first initiation test can avail of the smelling spa, where various aromas are pumped into a specially adapted room (ie one with no windows and no way out). Here they will experience the very real smells produced by small children – eau de eye-watering nappy, three-month old fish finger down the sofa scent and puke, lots and lots of puke.
We also have plans for a demolition area where the most precious belongings of parents are smashed, scraped and flushed down toilets. We will need extra cash from InvestNI to source lavatories capable of fully flushing fancy mobile phones.
There will, of course, be an area assigned to handing over all personal finances, bank accounts, savings etc to our trained staff who will then inform the parents that they actually hate them, their hair is stupid and their taste in music is ‘whack’.
There will be an area nearby for dads to hand over their nice cars to be squashed into small compact cubes. We have secured a deal with Vauxhall for 3,000 no-frills Zafiras to be delivered to our training site as replacement vehicles. Dads can pay extra to take the crushed car cubes home as a sad reminder of their life BC (before children).
There are also plans for a fashion correction department where mums can hand over their Diesel denims and Jimmy Choos to be replaced with standard issue ‘Mom jeans’ – comfortable, reliable, practical stretchy denim jeans with extra pockets and elasticated waists which treble the outwardly visible size of the derriere in three seconds flat.
We have high hopes that this facility will indeed train Northern Irish parents in the ways of child rearing and just require the funds to set it up.
Project Cost: £15m

What do you think? Answers and suggestions to the usual address.